I sometimes forget that I have a terminal illness. Memory problems are just one of the side effects of treatment, although not scientifically proven, they call it "chemo brain." It's especially troubling the week of chemo. I really hate that word. I prefer treatment personally. Thankfully this is my week off, but Monday is approaching and I always dread it. I am grateful that it's keeping me alive, if in fact it truly is. One thing I wrestle with is if the drugs being pumped into my veins, toxic as they are, are indeed worth it. It's hard to know the right thing to do or not to do. I know that faith and hope are critical. Fresh air, nature, finding a passion or purpose, daily prayer, gratitude, showing love to friends and family and giving back have become a daily routine.
I look around at the other patients in the infusion room with me and most are not faring quite as well. Most are older and I look at their faces trying to imagine how they feel and what they're thinking. It is a clear reminder of how lucky I am to be almost normal. My oncologist is also amazed by my recovery and well-being as most do not tolerate the powerful liquids that are administered every other week. This is why I attribute my healing to God and prayer. I can't accept that they don't play a role in this profoundly awakening venture. I swear I'm like a cat with nine lives, because there have been many incidences that could've been fatal. I include these in the book I am working on. Upon reflection, I have to say it's pretty amazing.
Learning to be self-less instead of selfish is just one of the many lessons God intends for me to acknowledge and apply. I have many left to ascertain as my karma bank was overflowing previously. And that is why I am still here. He says I'm not finished with the plan He has for me. No matter how forgetful I may be, I remember to thank Him every day just to be here!
*Tell someone you love them today. Happy weekend to all!
**Jesus said, "You are the light of the world. Let your light shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:14-16)
Remembering the "big" things are the important things, anyways. Who cares if you forget the small things?
ReplyDeleteI often wonder what the "treatment" room is like too. I would like a blog post describing a typical infusion session
I have multiple alarms that go off in the morning and at night to help me remember to take my Xeloda. I have always had the memory of an elephant since I was a kid. This seems to be changing through all of this, as are many other things in life. Everytime I walk into the infusion room, I feel guilty. For one, I recently turned 31 years old. No one else is under 65. Secondly, I feel as I'm getting off of the hook a little bettr than most people in there. I too also try to imagine how most of them do feel. My treatments are every 3 weeks. Most of the others are on a weekly basis, or more! I do sit there for 3 hours, while the majority are in there for no more than an hour. It does seem though, there is a constant reflection going on.
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