Sit with me a moment and take a good long look at the girl at the top. What's your first impression? Pretty? Happy? Healthy? Not a care in the world, right? She's placed at the top because that's exactly where she thought she was at the time--on top of the world. Thinking she had the world by the balls; living as if IT and all its beings should cater to her. Taking from this one and that one, always careful to never miss a handout.
Three great kids, a husband willing to give her anything she wanted and friends who gave her the benefit of the doubt too many times.
Let me tell you something about that girl. She was a liar, a cheat, a thief, an alcoholic, and on drugs. She was selfish, manipulative and greedy. Ready and willing to give up her family for more time in the limelight; anything to keep the drinks coming. The bar was her stage and she was the fake super star; using her "act" to get drugs and the attention she longed for.
Meth, cocaine, pot, it didn't matter. She made sure her charm and wit were on cue. She left the people who truly loved her in the dust. She thought she was so cool, all along making as ass of herself and her loved ones. She gave a shit for about two seconds until someone handed her a straw to stir her drink, snort a line or smoke meth.
That girl lived that life for twenty-five years.
Tears stream down my face as the reality of that picture bubbles up from my cancer infested gut, through my heart and out my fingertips onto this screen. My daughter took that picture. She was standing with me. I could not bear to look at her precious face next to mine knowing I was high that day, in a hurry to get to work at the bar. It was Mother's Day.
That was me approximately one year before hearing the words: stage four colon cancer!
Now look at the girl on the bottom. What's your first impression of her? Sick? Sad? Dying? This is me now; doing my best to save my liver and brain cells one day at a time while learning to live with the things I've done. It is only because of God that I am still here cleaning up my messes one aisle at a time. Giving love for real by allowing myself to be loved.
It is only now since having cancer that I am living. It is only now that I know true happiness and my heart and soul work to know peace. It is only now with clear eyes and thought that I appreciate everything from a tiny pebble to a raging winter storm.
Being at the top, your only option is down. It is from the bottom that you can rise up anew. It's okay to be on the bottom. That is where hope lies. It is where you can begin to gather all the broken pieces and put yourself back together. God is there also; waiting to help you up.
The bottom ain't a bad place to be. Cancer may have put me there, BUT the girl at the top...she was the sick one.
Thanks for reading,
Jen
**Please forgive me K.M.B! Love you!
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