Dark Days

I’d be lying if I said my life was whipped cream and cherries all the time. It is not. I’m having one of those “I hate life” days. I hate cancer and what it has done to me and my vivacity. Sometimes I just want to give up treatment and all the pills and let nature take its course.

I get sad, and angry, very angry, wanting to beat the wall in and scream “I hate this.” It’s depressing so I cry. I know it had to happen but that doesn’t mean I have to do cartwheels over it. Sometimes I just want to go back, back to that day and never admit myself to the E.R. It would probably have meant death eventually, but….it’s just hard. It’s hard to maintain a good healthy attitude when looking back at what I lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gained a lot of good and have every reason to be grateful, and I am, just not today. Once in a while it all gets to be too much and I break. I think I have that right. I’d say I’m pretty strong but on occasion I am not.

I lose faith in myself and the whole scheme of things. I wonder why this happened-- even though I know why.

Dark days encroach my space

Try to find my  happy place

Where God is good and faith is strong

And life’s too precious to feel this wrong. 

Forgive me. Just having a shitty day.

 

***Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful life.

 

I’m not looking for sympathy. Just thought I’d share one of my darker days.

Thanks for listening. J